Mar 14 2007
Maxine Goes to the Dogs — or Cats
A Humorous Commentary from Hallmark Character Maxine
People often ask me, “Maxine, should I get a cat, or should I get a dog?” I reply, “Neither. You should get lost.”
Still — and I would never admit this to them — it is a good question. There are many things you should ask yourself before getting a pet. For example, “AM I NUTS! I can just barely live with myself! Why do I want a pet?”
Trust me, some winter’s night when you’re under your quilt and the dog is sleeping peacefully at your side, you’ll know the answer to that question. Because that’s when the cat will leap from the dresser and attach itself to your face like one of those sucky things from “Alien,” waking up the dog, who will leave claw marks on your belly as he takes off across the room after the cat. At that moment, you’ll know the answer to your question is, “Yes, indeed, I am nuts.”
So, maybe start with a cat or a dog. Here, then are a few other things you might consider when comparing and contrasting the flea-bitten feline with the tick-infested canine:
HOUSEBREAKING
Dogs have to be trained to go outside to do their business, and I ain’t talkin’ a lemonade stand. Same color liquid, but that’s where the similarity ends. It’s fairly simple to know when the dog has to go out, by the way they sniff, whimper, and raise their little paw with either one or two fingers extended. When you spot these warning signs, you have plenty of time to get the dog picked up and head for the door before it dyes the front of your shirt a festive yellow. Eventually, you will be able to get the puppy all the way out to the lawn, where it will whimper piteously and look confused for 10 minutes while you shiver and repeat “Come ON — come ON.” Then you can take the dog back in the house, where it will immediately unleash a stream the length and breadth of the Mississippi.
And that’s just the half of it. In addition to the splatterings, there are the drop-and-ploppings.
Very soon your home will contain more logs than Abe Lincoln’s cabin. Hallways, sofas, linoleum, stairs — all are in-home ATMs just waiting for puppy to leave a little deposit. In no time at all, you’ll learn why so many people name their dogs Spot. As you carry the dog to the scene of the grime and offer a stern “No!” (swear words optional), he will look at you with innocent eyes that seem to say, “Wasn’t me. Probably that kid who visited last week. Looks like something a kid would do.”
Cats, on the other scratched and bleeding hand, instinctively use a litter box. While cats don’t have to be trained, you do have to clean the litter box regularly, or as often as you can find a gas mask. Cats never go to the bathroom anywhere except the litter box, unless you live in a house with carpets, furniture or a kitchen sink.
Cats are generous by nature, and one thing they love to share is the litter from the litterbox. This will give you the opportunity to grind tiny litter pellets into the bottoms of your feet in the dark. On the upside, your wounds will have a pleasant deodorizing pine scent.
FOOD
Another difference between cats and dogs is in the type of pet food they refuse to eat.
Dog and cat food both come in two basic varieties: Expensive canned and expensive dry. Here is the basic difference between canned dog and cat food: Canned dog food smells. Canned cat food stinks. There are parts of a cow you don’t wanna know about, and they’re all in there. Like a holiday fruitcake, it’s best not to know what the red or green things are.
Lots of pet-inflicted people spend too much time in the pet food aisle trying to choose cat food based on flavor. Chicken? Tuna? Beef? Caviar?
Wrong.
Cat food should be purchased on one criterion: Color. Will it match the carpet when Furball hurls it up a few minutes after chowing it down? Because, while cats will use a litterbox, they more than make up for it by the glops of ABC food you find in unusual places. Just a heads up: Once you have a cat, never make toast without checking in the toaster slots first.
Cats are often picky, which is to say they’re cats. The food they seemed to be fascinated by when it was on TV in the crystal goblet, will sit uneaten for days, until a dog wanders by and inhales it.
Because dogs will eat anything. They are equal opportunity eaters. A marble-sized piece of dry dog food and a marble-sized marble are equally appealing. If you don’t believe me, just check the multi-colored objects you’re scooping out of the back yard.
GROOMING
Clearly, cats are better at self-cleaning than dogs. Heck, cats are better at self-cleaning than most people I ride the bus with.
Cats will spend many luxurious moments each day meticulously cleaning their fur. You will know this is true by two pieces of evidence: A cat that shines like the pants of a worn suit; and the big, sopping hairball that just soaked the bottom of your footie sock. Once you own a cat, hacking is not just something you do on computer. Now it’s the sound of your cat coughing up something bigger than its own head. Get ready for big fun trying to figure out which president’s profile the latest hacked-up hairball resembles. “Look! Ulysses S. Grant on the sofa cushion! Gerald Ford on the bedspread!”
Dogs are notorious self-groomers too, but only on one body part. This, of course, is the place-I-can’t-write-about-in-a-family-newspaper. Dogs have the cleanest place-I-can’t-write-about-in-a-family-newspaper in the entire animal kingdom. If you’re looking for a whistle-clean place-I-can’t-write-about-in-a-family-newspaper, then a dog’s your man.
EXERCISE
Cats win the whole kitty in this category. All the exercise they ever need is an occasional toe, hand or new pair of pantyhose to rip to shreds. They also enjoy birdhouse-pole climbing, since it’s a workout that includes a snack.
Dogs have to be walked. Your job is to be dragged along on the leash, and to have your arm yanked out of the socket every time the dog makes a sharp turn into heavy traffic to get to another dog on the other side of the street.
You should always take a plastic bag along. This is used to pick up any of the dog’s business that anyone else has actually seen him do. If no one sees it, it never happened.
THE VET
Whether you choose a dog or cat, a trip to the vet is always a good idea. For the vet. He needs a new titanium nine-iron, and those things aren’t cheap. You can help make the trip to the vet’s less traumatic for puppy or kitty by speaking in soft, reassuring tones, and by not referring to the vet as “Dr. Snipz.”
In addition to the surgical removal of the things-I-can’t-call-by-their-actual-name-in-a-family-newspaper, dogs also visit the vet for nail trims and tick baths. The nail trim is important so that, instead of having long, sharp nails, the dog has short, ragged nails with six or eight sharp points each. This will leave a far more interesting series of parallel gashes on your forearm. The tick bath is important because, hey, do you really want your dog to have dirty ticks?
The tick bath often comes with a flea dip. Word to the wise from the wiseacre: You’ll just be embarrassing yourself if you ask for chips.
IN CONCLUSION
So, when trying to decide whether to get a cat or a dog, there’s only one answer: Get both. That way they keep each other occupied, and you can concentrate on really important things. Like watching “Iron Chef” to see the craggy-faced, sensitive hunk of chef with the black mustache. If you can keep the dang pets quiet long enough.
With attitude,
Maxine,
Your queen of quips
Courtesy of ARA Content
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